Updates

Haven't been blogging for quite some time. He came back some time after he promised to come back. Didi collected some of the leftover kids' school fees when he didn't come back. When he came back finally he refused to buy meals for his sons who helped him look after the kindergartens while he was enjoying himself in Ipoh. He said that they have got the school fees money already. My god! He wouldn't feed his own children because he didn't keep his promise and his children took about 1% of what he got every month for managing the kindergartens on behalf of him.

Didi and Baby got caught by police when they drove Mama's car one day for dinner without knowing that the Roadtax has expired. No wonder. When Mama just passed away, father liked to drive Mama's car instead of his own everytime after Didi topup the oil tank. When it reached around November or December he stopped driving Mama's car at all even if we filled he oil tank. We wondered but didn't think much. It was clear now. Roadtax expired. And he let us drive Mama's car all the way back to Ipoh to look for him. What a caring father!

Didi and Baby accidentally saw that the registration form of 3M was not under my name! It was under his deceased father and his own name! He had been toying us for so long! Mama and the three of us thought all the while that it was under my name such that everytime there was problem with 3M and he blamed me we didn't oppose. So what was the document he made me sign in front of a lawyer when I was 18? Was it a bluff like every other thing? Mama passed away without even knowing that 3M was a bluff!!!

Baby told me just now that he was not back. 3M starts school tomorrow. Baby just found out that he already took the kids' school fees for February. Didi SMSed him to ask whether he was coming back and he said that there was no bus ticket. So how are we going to pay for teachers' salaries and everything else?

And how did he suddenly got his bus ticket for the eve of CNY after telling us that we would drive back on the first day of CNY? He could get a ticket so easily on the eve and he had problem getting one now?

Chinese New Year Part 2

Before we left we told them that we would become good people and won't be like them.
At first they called and Didi answered the first two calls., refusing to go back and asking xiaogu to help in our financial problems. After a while he SMSed to Didi asking us to go back to settle things once and for all. So after eating we went back.

He already got his mother and sister into beds. He got us into the living room although we wanted to talk in the yard. It was empty. They were only four of us. I knew it was his trap straightaway. He started by saying that we should go to bath and have a good sleep so as to calm ourselves down to be able to facilitate our discussion the next morning. We refused. He started showing his much more aggresive self now that no one else was around. He even stated that it was our aunts' idea to ask for those documents directly. 'Anything besides the four of us may harm us'. He almost wanted to scold us about my blog when he told us this was secret. We reacted by saying we were not afraid of exposing anything and distracted him for awhile. Lucky or unlucky, xiaogu finally came out of her room and I lured her into sitting down saying that father told us she might harm us. She chose to sit with him.

Everything was as before. He seemed to have sorted things out himself and was more confident of what he wanted. I knew by the satisfied look on his face that we would not get anything from him. Everything that we tried to discuss with him was as before. Nothing settled. His sister was more confident as well. They seemed to have communicated their thoughts already.

Finally after wasting much time, we decided that there was no point going on like this and we should leave. He didn't let us and threatened to report loss to the police if we drove away with Mama's car which according to him was his. He asked us to take our things, walk away and leave the car. He made it seemed like if we 'sincerely' asked him to continue working in 3M temporarily he would let us go. So we fell into his trap and said 'dad we really hope you can come back to 3M and help' one by one to him. He then asked us to go bath and sleep. Walao!! And we went to the car, telling xiaogu that we really couldn't owe them another 'favour' anymore. He came beside Didi's window and said that he would not go back to 3M as he had just promised before we drove away. Awhile later, he SMSed Didi saying that he would go back to 3M, but everything resumed as before.

Chinese New Year Part 1

Today I didn't go to my morning classes again. Couldn't get rid of what had happened during the third day of Chinese New Year.

We drove all the way to Ipoh to see father. We agreed to have reunion dinner at home on the eve of CNY before going to Ipoh on the first day of CNY. However, when Didi and I rushed back home on the eve, he left a note about 20 pages long and went back alone in the morning even before Baby woke up. He didn't tell us anything about it at all. How he suddenly got his bus ticket which was usually out-of-stock during CNY, we had no idea. We reached home feeling disappointed and unbelievable. It was him who asked us if we wanted to go back with him. We agreed that Didi would drive the four of us to Ipoh and the three of us would come home on Sunday ( my school starts on Monday ) while he would stay longer in Ipoh. But he failed his promise, leaving us no food at home and only instant noodles for the eve of CNY. Didi called him and asked why he didn't keep his promise but he hanged up the phone.

So Didi drove us to Ipoh to see him and his family later. He wrote in his note that he decided to leave 3M kindergarten to my care since I am the 'boss'. As soon as I reached 18, he told me that the business was registered under his name so it was illegal, thus he needed to transfer the ownership to me before anyone found out. I trusted him that he was borrowing my name for this family business. Although time and again when something went wrong with this business he pushed the blame on me as the 'boss', I didn't blame him. However, he suddenly left everything to me without telling me anything and giving me any documents, now. We had to discuss matters with him. I needed the appropriate documents to manage 'my business'.

When we reached xiaogu's house at about 4pm on Saturday, we asked him why he left so irresponsibly. He defended that he called Didi and Didi said that he would go back first on the eve while the three of us would join him on the first day of CNY. Totally different stories. We were stunned, as usual. We then tried to talk to him about the business. My god! He didn't want to give me the documents but want me to manage the business! They went around the bush about this but in the end he refused to give and his sister supported him that I should continue the business trusting that the business is mine. They made it seem like I wanted the documents because I didn't believe the business is mine. Totally wrong. I needed the documents to run this business. This had nothing to do with whether I trusted him or not. They were good in shifting the focus of things like this so that people would fall into their trap and I would finally lost focus on asking for those documents. Even when I we asked whether we could use the money that 'my business' earns and xiaogu thought it fine, he refused and xiaogu turned to support him.

He kept accusing me of writing that he didn't do any work in 3M but only collect money. I didn't do anything of this sort and asked him to prove it. Actually we suspected that he read my blog. But in any case he didn't dare to show me what I wrote that offended him in front of his sister. He said this was a private matter which he would discuss later with me and I was stunned. What I thought of at that instant was he wanted to silence me if he ever got to talk to me about this private matter. Didi and Baby later agreed with my instinct. But something wasn't right. He kept telling everyone that we blamed him for Mama's death even though we didn't. Didn't even dare to. If he didn't do it like that in 'my father's success story' of my blog or if he could find reasons to support himself he should be furious at us. But he didn't even dare to scold me for writing this. The only possible reason for his unusual behaviour was that I was right in my blog. Thus, when he asked xiaogu to leave so that we can discuss this private matter, I defended saying that I didn't do anything and I was not scared. Somehow she sat back down after a moment. Besides this, he kept saying that we wanted those documents not for ourselves but someone made us to. But he didn't dare to say who. We told xiaogu that he had been saying this for very long but there was nothing of this sort. She asked me what Mama told us about him and I replied that she only told us that father loved us.

Everything was not successful. He already prepared his answers. Whether he'd give Didi and Baby money for their studies depends on our attitude. We have to pay for utility bills at home ourselves. If he comes back and continues the business, he wants everything to be like before, meaning that he wants to control all the money and we have no freedom of using 'my business' money. Even when we told his family how he beat Mama and us anyhow using cane, chairs etc, they defended him. His mother even suddenly scolded Didi 'eat shit' in Hokkien when we were crying for Mama and our fate. We couldn't get anything done. Seeing that there was no point staying there, we left.

Really exhausted. But don't dare to sleep. Scared I'll think of what happened yesterday like last night. Headache for more than 12 hours.

But I am too tired today to type out everything. Only can hope that there is still tomorrow for the three of us.

13-17

I saw how other parents were like, having the chance now to be more exposed to the world by living on my own. I couldn't accept that my father was 'bad'. I could only keep coming up with excuses after excuses to 'prove' to myself that he is like all other fathers I've seen. Deep down, I was envious of my friends. They have such loving and protective fathers. I only knew father to be a bad-tempered and scary man whom I have to deal with very carefully so that I don't displease him and be punished. I didn't know that I was making excuses for him as well as myself then. I wanted to think and feel that I had a normal father so much that I even told my friends how 'nice' he was to me so that I could really convince myself about him. Time and again he failed me. Yet I was unwilling to believe that he was what I saw with my own eyes. I could tell myself that all fathers did all the bad things he did to Mama and us to their children too. It was just that they never show these behaviours in front of people, that's why I didn't see them often. Everyone was bad and not true. Perhaps what he imparted in us since young worked.

I always wanted to go home every weekend. I didn't really like the feeling of being at home but I didn't know why I couldn't help but wanted to go home so much every week. I told myself that it was 'homesickness'. Everyone away from home misses home. Although I really felt that I didn't understand why people missed their homes when homes were such miserable place, I accepted this reasoning and thought that perhaps it was my feelings about home that was wrong. Everyone had the same home and everyone loved home. It was my problem that I even suspected other people's love for home. I blamed myself for not loving my home as much as other people did, thinking that I had a normal home.

Now I know better. I wanted to go home to ensure that Mama Didi and Baby were alive at home. I couldn't bear not going home because I couldn't bear not knowing and seeing that they were alive. I cheated myself. I was too naive. I made all my friends felt that I had such warm home and even jeolous of me. I really succeeded in convincing everyone including me that I had a normal lovely home. Perhaps this was the reason why, after finding out the truths about my family when I was older, I had such hard time accepting them.