Sigh

Sigh. Life is not simple. I always try. Always tell myself to go one step at a time. After this step, next step will be better and easier. But it is not. Every step in my life is hard. I always try very hard, thinking that I will be able to have what I want. But why are there always so many obstacles?? No matter how hard I try I can't seem to reach the end.

I don't know. What is life? What is it all about? What I want is just a simple place I can call home. After Mama passed away, 3 of us lost our home. I want to give myself and Didi and Baby a home. But it's so hard. Why is it so hard for us to get what other people are born with? Since young I've been trying. To be better. But no. Everything is still the same. No better life. Do we not deserved to have a better life? I WANT A HOME!!!

Sigh...

我懂了

Yes. 我终于懂了。When Mama was here, I lived for her. Now she is dead. Why do I live? Yes. I still live for her.

Few weeks ago I was really #*^&%^&*(@ and I went for a 3-round walk around NTU. I was walking at midnight in the middle of road where I thought I might be able to see Mama again when I heard a car coming near me. I was not scared at all. I even wished that I could go to the other world to live with Mama forever. But NO. Mama wouldn't want to see me there. She would be angry. She would want me to live on with my brothers. BUT I AM REALLY TIRED. Yes, Mama knows. She knows everything. But she still wants me to live on with my brothers. This would be her hope. Yeah. There is nothing else I can do for Mama besides this. I will do it. For Mama. No matter how hard life is I will be strong and live on with Didi and Baby. So that when i meet you again I can show you what I have achieved in my life. The precious life that you have given me.

Thanks Mama. I love you.