My father's success story

I am going to 33. It's time to get a girl and carry out my plan. 21 years from now, I'll be able to get all that I want.
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God is good to me. Found my target: stupid girl; father died when young; 9 brainless siblings; easy to cheat; loved by many boys but only love me; thinks that I love her. Perfect. Use her for 21 years from now. Ok, get to work.
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Omg, so fast. Pregnant. Girl. Perfect. Now she is begging me to marry her. Love me so much. Scared her child no father. She is so fun to play with.
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Hahaha. Stupid siblings as well. Won't let us divorce. Good. I'll haunt her for the rest of the 21 years that she has with the 'fact' that she cheated me to sign marriage treaty with her. Hahaha. Life is fun. Now let's hope for another boy. Can torture the girl with her own brother!
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Boy is no problem. Make her busier than me. Meanwhile enjoy scolding her: 'only know how to give birth to girl because you like people to call you 'miss' and are afraid to get fat'. She will be so scared of pregnancy but I'll make her pregnant again and scared for another 9 months! Hahaha. Everyday she cries. Woohoo!
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Pregnant means no sex. Boring. Luckily I have this prostitute friend. Slowly let her find out about this prostitute and be sad. Then I'll make fun of it and say I want to divorce with her. She will quieten and let me go where I want to but cry silently. Hahaha. That's why I insisted on finding a girl without a father. Firstly nobody will forbid her to be with me. Secondly she won't dare to divorce and make her children fatherless. And I got her pregnant twice!
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Tested her. Scolded and beaten her so badly to make sure she felt like leaving. She left and came back. For her children. Once she didn't dare to come back and slept in the longkang outside the house. Her house. Perfect. I can really live my life up for the rest of her life. Make her suffer. Make her children suffer. Make her mother and siblings suffer. And I will get what I want in the end. All are well.

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Everyday is full of joy. Scold whatever I want. Beat whoever I like. Play however I feel like. They are at my mercy. I feel like a king. Even if I don't achieve my aims in the end this is not bad a reward for my hard work as well. Hahaha!

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Another boy born. Now I got 3 children. I will take such good care of them in front of people and torture them when no one is around. They will be exactly like what I want them to be. Cry when people leave. Irritating children. But I still never give them up. Hahaha. Didn't know that life can be so enjoyable.

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Have been peeping her sister when she baths for about a month now and got caught by her today. Saw me watching her from above when she raised her head. She was so scared. She told my wife and her mother but they shut her up saying that it was to protect my wife from further quarrels with me, or even divorce. I had a real laugh.

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Life has been what I wanted for these 21 years. My daughter is 21. It's time. I just need to find one day when nobody knows...She won't see her children before she dies. Her children won't get to see her before she leaves. No one shall know the truth. I will get what I want.

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There she is. In the coffin. It has ended. Life is going to begin for me. But first I have to finish what I had started 21 years ago. It is easy enough. Acting. No big deal. They all believe me. My daughter is suspicious. I know. But what can she do to me when I act so well in front of her grandma and her aunties and uncles? All stupid people.

By the time they find out what I was up to and that my daughter was right, it would be too late. I would have gotten everything.

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And I succeeded! 21 years of effort did not go into waste. I got her pension money, her insurance money, her EPF money, all her income and savings, basically her everything. Plus what I have saved in the past years with her help. Now I am far more than a millionnare. Better than I expected. They can't do anything now. My poor children look like they want to get their mother's money back, but they never stop to think about how their mother died in the 'accident'. Hahaha. But it's all too late. I've got everything I planned for.

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The truths shall be lost forever. I shall start my life afresh from now on.

9-12

I was forced to do many housework at home. If I didn't do them, I would be beaten. I hated to be a girl because father said girls must do housework. When I did not sit properly he would beat me too, even though I learnt it from him. He said that girls have to sit properly.

I was always punished as the eldest child. I always hated that I had to be so 'old'. When I went into primary 4, I was extremely upset. I couldn't accept that I had reached 10 years of age, which I thought was 'very old'. I took a very long time before I realised that time wouldn't go back and it wasn't wrong to be 10. No word can express my feelings completely.

Also, I was not even allowed to wear shorts out of the house. I had to wear long pants or skirt when going out. When I was in primary 5, we had to go to school for housecleaning one day and we were required to wear T-shirt and shorts. He wouldn't let me follow the rules and beat me into wearing a long pants. I had no choice. He said that everybody would be wearing long pants and I would be the only one wearing shorts if I wore shorts. So I went to school, confused. Then I that saw everyone else was wearing shorts and felt cheated. I got laughed at by my classmates but I couldn't do anything. I did't understand...

I never had the chance to go to friend's house until 12. He didn't let me. When I wanted to go for school trip for graduating students, he was reluctant to let me go. But he had no choice at first so he gave in. During a particular meal time he beat me in public because I ate too slow. He said that with this speed I would lose to other students during the trip. I wanted to go so much that I told myself I would endure everything it takes to get the money to go. However, I was chosen by my school to go for an entry test to a Singapore secondary school during the same period of time. I didn't want to ask him but my teacher insisted. Then I knew I would regret for not going for graduating trip forever. I was naive to believe him that he would give the refunded money to me entirely and I was a little consoled. In the end he wanted the money back and I had to give him back. After a few years that I realised I was cheated. He even cheated his own daughter for three hundred ringgit.

妈妈，我好想你。现在我唯一可以安慰自己的就是死的人你而不是我们三个孩子，要不然... 真不忍心看到你那痛彻心扉的样子，更不忍心看到你苦上加痛却只能默默的努力的活着。

妈妈

妈妈好可怜，苦了三十多年，以为找到了一个好的归属，没想到却是另一个无底噩梦的开始。无助的撑了二十年，把孩子带大，一起寻找一条出路。但是，寻寻觅觅，还在水深火热之时，就毫无理由的死了，被摩哆车撞后不治身亡。

我能怎么办呢？什么都不能做。什么都不能为妈妈做！就这样走了，什么都没有说，什么都没有交代，忽然间就没有了！连死前最后一眼都没来得及看！

Day by Day

Everyday is meaningless. Why do I live? It feels like I am waiting for death to come upon me. So many things unsettled. Whether they can ever be settled is another thing. If I can't settle them, shall I just let them go and live with guilt for the rest of my life? I can't let go so easily like what people advise me to. Do it for your own life, they say. With these things hanging in my throat, how can I possibly live a normal life? People talk, but nobody understands.

9~12

I was happy at school. Had some good memories at school.

However, I was never happy at home. They were two different worlds completely. School and home. Almost everyday we were punished at home. We spent our childhood kneeling in front of Shen Tai and being beaten almost all the time we were at home. I can't quite remember what we did wrong, or whether we were even wrong at all. Everyday I tried to do everything in the way they want us to do, but father would always come out with new reasons to punish us.

We were taught that no one in the world is good. We should not trust anyone other than father. Even Wai Po and Mama were also bad persons who tried to harm us. I thought what father said was true and did not open my heart to anyone until almost 20.

Father did not join in any occasion Mama's relatives held. Weddings, New Years, Holidays, he would rather stay at home alone than to accompany his children to enjoy the fun hours of life.
However, we always went together with him to visit his mother and his siblings. When Wai Po and Xiao Yi stayed at with us, he scolded Mama because they interferred with our family life. But we never knew what was family life even without any intruder.

When we were younger, we loved people coming to our house because it meant less beating and kneeling. When people were leaving, we might cry. We knew what was coming after people left. But nobody at that time understood. They only commented that we liked to cry.

Father kept telling us how nice he was to us. Fetching us from school, paying bills, sweeping floors, he always claimed that he had been doing the same for a number of years equal to my age. But these were the only things he did. He often told us to be grateful of him and to treat him very nicely. He forced us to say 'thank you' everytime he fetched us from school.

We thought all fathers were like this. We recognised all these as normal lives until we saw much more of the world at a later age.

Truths

Today Xiao Yi brought Baby and me to Kuo Kuang to check Mama's insurance compensation. Haha, so it is confirmed now that $15000 has been given to father a few months ago. I did not know that EPF and pension are different. Xiao Yi asked Kuo Kuang whether Mama paid her income tax because father told MeiHua that Mama didn't pay so her pension was not given to us. Kuo Kuang said that all Mama's income tax is cleared so there should be no problem in withdrawing Mama's pension.

After that, we went to EPF building again. The person said father's signature is quite necessary in order to withdraw ( the rest of ) Mama's EPF money.

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Don't know how to write today. A lot of feelings. Complicated.

Father wrote letter again. He refused to give Didi and Baby money for studies. He said we are poor and have to save money now. He just hired a new headmistress for the kindergarten to do what Mama did before, so that he can just relax and collect money as before.

Found out Mama's EPF was missing beneficiary and half the amount that should be there on Wed 12/19/2007:
"I went to check my mum's EPF beneficiary today and found that there is no beneficiary. However, we are very sure that my mum put my aunt and my grandma's name. Also, a few weeks after she passed away my father ask my grandma to 'sign'(thumb print) sth saying that it is to settle the EPF money according to my grandma's wish (she would take a small amt n give the rest to the 3 of us )
Today I found out that the money is not the amt that should be there (according to what we know and what the lawyer stated to me), only about half of what we expected remains and there is no beneficiary. The officer said it could either be that my mum did not put a beneficiary( which is totally impossible) or that it has been canceled.
I really don't know what I should do or what to think of my father. I feel helpless, like there is no way I can settle these many things. If I don't care, it is like running away. If I care, I feel very hurt.
I don't know how to feel anymore. I feel like giving up. Yet, I know I can't. "
It is almost impossible to find out if anyone has taken out anything, unless by court order.

According to law, insurance company should compensate us for Mama's death. The motorist company should also compensate us. Today MeiHua asked him. He told her it is not confirmed whose fault it was in the accident. More than four months have passed. Police's result of investigation should be out by now. Besides, he told her that he has taken out $120,000 for Didi's study. He said Didi wants money in his bank before going to the States, but he would only give Didi the money after Didi physically reaches there.

妈妈，你过得好吗？你一定要过得很好。我也会努力过好的，你放心。
妈妈，我好想你。

Do men really love?

I went to Baby's piano teacher's party last night. After we came back, I kept thinking of what I saw even as I slept.

I don't understand why fathers love their children. I always feel that something is not right when I see fathers loving their children. It is hard to put in words. Although I know that fathers love their children because they are their own children, this fact can't seem to make sense to me. I know the logic, but I am unable to feel it no matter how hard I try by looking at other families.

Another thing is, I don't understand how men and women can love each other so heartily and sincerely. Yes, I always see these in movies and even real life, but something in me can't make sense of all these. The feeling is complicated. I am not sure if anyone else at all would feel what I feel.

I am 21, turning 22 this year. Yet I am unable to understand such natural and simple things!! I have really tried and kept telling myself the logic. But I still feel weird when I see such things happening around me. I can't imagine why fathers love their children since it is so easy for them to have children. Like my father. A sperm will do. I can't imagine why men would love their wives. Why?

Maybe I will never understand the love from men forever. Perhaps it is the shadow of my past and present, the shadow father cast on me so deep that it will haunt me forever. It may never be erased no matter how much love from men I witness or even feel. It is already a part of me. I grew up with it.