5~8

My parents never slept together as far as I remember. During this period, Mama and Baby slept in one room, Didi and me and him in another. I guessed this was segregation of duties. Mama took care of the youngest and hardest child, while he slept with the two elder ones.

At this time, we were not allowed to watch TV. We had to sleep by 8pm. When Didi and I lie on the bed, father would be watching TV outside the room. When Didi couldn't sleep, he got me to play with him in the room. If we were heard, father would come and beat me. If I told him that Didi played as well, he would say that I was the eldest so it was my fault. When I couldn't sleep and tried to play with Didi, it was often unsuccessful. When I tried to play with him, I didn't dare to make any sound. I had to test his reaction slowly, either by whispering to him or touching him gently. If I realised he didn't want to play, I had to just shut myself. If I was eager to play and kept trying to raise his interest, at some point he would shout and father would come in and beat me. Everything WAS my fault.

Besides this, I often felt the need to put Didi in good mood so that he wouldn't fight with me and got me beaten by father. I felt that I had to make him like me, so father would not beat me. However, it was hard. He took it for granted when I gave way to him whatever he liked. When I accidentally did something that displeased him or did not do what he wanted, I knew my body would hurt again. Everything WAS my fault. How could I not hate boys?

5~8

Mama was always busy. Work, tuition, housework.

Father was always relax. Newspaper, TV, sleep.

We did not have childhood. No toys, no tidbits, no laughters.

They always quarreled. Or rather, father always scolded Mama. Sometimes Mama had to kneel down in front of him to be scold or beaten, for forgiveness. He even scolded Wai Po and Xiao Yi. He kept telling us that Wai Po was bad and that she always added something into our food to harm us, Gong Tao. He also told us that Mama was not a good mother, using a very fatherly tone. Basically, he embedded in us his idea that no one in the world can be trusted except for him. I did not think he will harm us since he is father. So, somehow, I believed what he said and was wary of everyone.

I witnessed Mama beaten by him using cane. Not only once. When he got angry, he would beat Mama anywhere, anytime, anyhow. I still never knew the reasons he got angry. I thought Mama was beaten because she did something wrong. I thought it was normal for a husband to beat his wife when she was wrong. I thought Mama should get punishment if she really did wrong. I was young and pure. From the little knowlegde I had of the world, I did not think much.

There was one incident I remember vividly. He was beating Mama in her bedroom. Mama was crying. "Please don't beat me. I won't do it again". The cane flew all over her weak body. I forgot how my youngest brother, Baby, got into that corner of the room. He was beside Mama, patting her back, perhaps telling father not to beat her. The other two of us were by the door, not daring to get into the room. The other brother with me, Didi, kept asking my youngest brother to come out of the room, and I didn't know what to do but to follow his call for Baby. However, Baby did not come out.
After some time, he stopped beating and scolding Mama. I forgot where Didi and I went but Baby was loyally accompanying and consoling Mama. So cute. He was as tall as Mama sitting on the floor. When Mama was better, she made us each a cup of Milo, and said that this was the last cup she was going to make for us. She was leaving the house and leaving us. In fact, she did this a few times, in my memory, wanting to get away from him. However, sometimes she didn't leave, sometimes she left and came back.
There was once I woke up in the morning and couldn't find Mama. Her car was still around and I asked father where she was because she didn't normally leave the house without the car. He told me Mama went somewhere she quite often went. I was a little suspicous but didn't care much. After quite long Mama came back and everything seemed well again.
It was only when I grew up I realised that Mama was trying to leave him. Due to the love for us, she was never successful, coming back everytime, stupidly.

0~4

I learnt the inequality between boys and girls as well as the cruelty of being the oldest in a family since I was born. Vaguely remember how I hated to be the eldest girl under the rule of my father and his spoiled son before I was even four. I was treated unfairly, often scolded or beaten for crimes I did not commit just because I was 'old' and I was a girl. I was always told that I was old enough, so I should give way to my little brother who was two years younger than me. Give way in everything. And because I was a girl, I had to endure men's ruthless. I hated to be the eldest very much. What more a girl.

When I was four, Mama was pregnant. I prayed every moment I remember that it was a girl. Please don't give me another boy. I was terrified of the idea of having another younger brother. How would my life be. I did not think I was strong enough to fight three...... On the way to the hospital where Mama had just given birth to another younger sibling one October morning, I heard that it is a boy, shocked. I didn't totally believe my fate. However, after some struggling moment within myself, I had to console myself. I told myself that there is nothing wrong with a boy. Unconscieously I knew what was wrong was only my father's way of differentiating boys and girls. So I told myself that a boy is a boy. I can't change that. Since he is new to the world, I can help myself by treating him nicely and bringing him up the right way. After he grows up he will be good to me and I need not suffer under him.

It was really a boy when we reach the hospital. I was sad. But with no choice I embraced myself and tried to 'love' my brother. I told Mama to let me carry him for a while. I thought I was 'old' enough to carry a baby. Mama wouldn't let me and I didn't understand why. Beside Mama's bed there was a little girl whom I thought was not 'old' like me. Judging from what I remember of her size, I think she should be about six or seven at that time.

Days after, I treated my youngest brother as best as I could, hoping that he would not join the male's team against me in future. Now, he is the best man in the family.

Prelogue

I am going to dedicate this blog to my very own life story. I was bored yesterday and I came up with this idea of sharing my story with all who love me by using blog. I have been living in my own circle for quite some time, and it is about time to walk out. Perhaps this little move will bring me out from where I have been keeping myself all these years.

妈妈，我好想你