I learnt the inequality between boys and girls as well as the cruelty of being the oldest in a family since I was born. Vaguely remember how I hated to be the eldest girl under the rule of my father and his spoiled son before I was even four. I was treated unfairly, often scolded or beaten for crimes I did not commit just because I was 'old' and I was a girl. I was always told that I was old enough, so I should give way to my little brother who was two years younger than me. Give way in everything. And because I was a girl, I had to endure men's ruthless. I hated to be the eldest very much. What more a girl.
When I was four, Mama was pregnant. I prayed every moment I remember that it was a girl. Please don't give me another boy. I was terrified of the idea of having another younger brother. How would my life be. I did not think I was strong enough to fight three...... On the way to the hospital where Mama had just given birth to another younger sibling one October morning, I heard that it is a boy, shocked. I didn't totally believe my fate. However, after some struggling moment within myself, I had to console myself. I told myself that there is nothing wrong with a boy. Unconscieously I knew what was wrong was only my father's way of differentiating boys and girls. So I told myself that a boy is a boy. I can't change that. Since he is new to the world, I can help myself by treating him nicely and bringing him up the right way. After he grows up he will be good to me and I need not suffer under him.
It was really a boy when we reach the hospital. I was sad. But with no choice I embraced myself and tried to 'love' my brother. I told Mama to let me carry him for a while. I thought I was 'old' enough to carry a baby. Mama wouldn't let me and I didn't understand why. Beside Mama's bed there was a little girl whom I thought was not 'old' like me. Judging from what I remember of her size, I think she should be about six or seven at that time.
Days after, I treated my youngest brother as best as I could, hoping that he would not join the male's team against me in future. Now, he is the best man in the family.
When I was four, Mama was pregnant. I prayed every moment I remember that it was a girl. Please don't give me another boy. I was terrified of the idea of having another younger brother. How would my life be. I did not think I was strong enough to fight three...... On the way to the hospital where Mama had just given birth to another younger sibling one October morning, I heard that it is a boy, shocked. I didn't totally believe my fate. However, after some struggling moment within myself, I had to console myself. I told myself that there is nothing wrong with a boy. Unconscieously I knew what was wrong was only my father's way of differentiating boys and girls. So I told myself that a boy is a boy. I can't change that. Since he is new to the world, I can help myself by treating him nicely and bringing him up the right way. After he grows up he will be good to me and I need not suffer under him.
It was really a boy when we reach the hospital. I was sad. But with no choice I embraced myself and tried to 'love' my brother. I told Mama to let me carry him for a while. I thought I was 'old' enough to carry a baby. Mama wouldn't let me and I didn't understand why. Beside Mama's bed there was a little girl whom I thought was not 'old' like me. Judging from what I remember of her size, I think she should be about six or seven at that time.
Days after, I treated my youngest brother as best as I could, hoping that he would not join the male's team against me in future. Now, he is the best man in the family.
