Sigh. I was wrong. I thought they (relatives) believed us after we found them the evidence. Why? We are the victims. I thought they should help us to accept it. But it is the other way round. People don't want to believe there is such a person like father in the world. No matter how many facts we put in front of them they won't accept. Yeah. They have a choice. They can deny the facts and choose not to believe so and carry on with their own sweet life. But we CAN'T!!! We have NO choice!!! Why does everyone seemed rather to believe that it was our fault for everything that happened to us? Yes, it is easier to blame the good people and tell them to change rather than to tell someone they deep down know will never become good person to be good to his own children. It is so much easier if the good people stop showing them the truth about the bad people, so that they can get on with their happy life and don't have to struggle with the world that there is such a person. But it is so unfair to us. They think we want to believe there is such a person in the world? What more a biological father!! They think we enjoy it? They think we like to have this kind of father? Yeah. They asked us to think in their shoes, not to tell them where they went wrong because they are one generation before us. How smart. But nobody will ever think in our shoes. They are not bothered to care how much it hurt us knowing that we have such a father. No. They only want their life to be perfect. They won't allow any impurity to spoil the wonderful world they have known for the past 50 years or so. They can't accept anything that makes them doubt what they have believed in for so long. Yeah. But this is THEIR imagination. We are not blessed with this. So go on to believe this and push away every fact that we put in front of them. But please for God's sake don't hurt us anymore. Don't tell us that we didn't treat that beast good enough that's why he hates us. Whatever you want to believe that beast is go ahead. We won't prove to you anymore. After all it doesn't do us any good. You still will not believe us. How nice it is to say that you don't want to believe that there is such a father and you choose to think positively. We wish we can do this too. Who likes to know a father like a beast? You can say all you want about what you want to believe. Yes. You have a choice but we DON'T. As adults instead of helping us to face our fate and escape from this beast eventually you choose to dismiss what we have faced for our entire life. Yet you said you are really concerned about us. You asked us to tell you if we suffer so that you know and you can help. Bullshit. How could you help when your heart is not even with us but instead choose to be with that beast? No sense at all. If that beast is so nice then help us get our study money from him!!! No you can't. You are outsiders. We just have to be nice to him and he will support us. All bullshit. If you are unwilling to face the truth and help with the reality, don't pretend. We only get the feeling that you are just hypocrites. So fake that you tell the whole world you only want to believe in the good sides of people but not willing to face this 'good person' you so love and tell this 'kind person' something so natural as to love his own children. Yeah. Go on and tell us not to waste money going aboard to study because we can't support ourselves since he is not giving us money. Oh you know. So you know the fact that he doesn't want to give us a single cent for our education. You know. Then why do you keep telling us that he is a nice person who will support his children when you know the truth? And you choose to believe him. How contradicting. How funny. We are the ones suffering under him including your own sister but instead of helping us to accept our fate you try to make us go back to the dangerous beast! Why? Because you don't want to have to burden yourself with our problems. You want everything to go back to before and want us to cover up everything he does to us so that you don't need to know all the bad things in the world and don't have to worry yourself about us. You want your peaceful life back even after your sister is dead because of him. Then just SAY IT. Don't have to try to pretend to be concerned about us when you don't want to. We feel that your concerns are getting faker. You don't want to face the REAL problem. Either you are scared, or you are selfish. Only pretend to be concerned for us at the surface. I am wondering whether father is right afterall. And since you want us to believe in this beast, perhaps we should. We should believe that you are trying to harm us, shall we? Perhaps it will be easier for us. Perhaps when he speaks ill of you and curse you we should not defend you and should do the same. And then we don't have to be scolded by you for not listening to him and making him angry at us. Yeah. Maybe we should not stand by you at these times anymore. And we don't have to be hurt when you tell us we didn't respect him enough and when you always try to speak up for him in front of us. We won't have to be defending you in front of him and be hurt when you scold us because of him. Can you see how contradicting all these sound?

I just called back to check on Baby as he is having an admission test with Jurong JC tomorrow. He cried as if there is no tomorrow. He tried to get the admission fee of $550 from father but got scolded badly instead. (Father came back a few days ago.) He didn't even want to give a single cent for his sons' education after he got so much money from my mum's death. And after he promised us at in front of his sister that he would support our studies. He said he could not afford to send us to school.

I don't know what to think and what to feel anymore. Suddenly I feel like smoking. I don't feel like facing all these again and again without an end. Does God really exist? I prayed my whole life. He never help me. Does anyone know where He is? Can you ask him to help us?

Argh

Everyday I try. I try so hard to live on, to improve things, to make things right. But I don't know. It's like never ending. So many things. All in a mess. Each day I try to give myself hope, but no hope is becoming reality. I don't know when. I don't know how. I just feel arghhhhhhh........

A few days ago he went back to Ipoh again. He is still not giving Baby and Didi money for their studies. Their schools are starting soon. Where could I get enough money for them? I don't know. I really don't know. Sigh......

妈妈，我好想你。你真的不会回来了吗？我真的再也见不到你了吗？妈妈，你在哪里？

Hold On

I am alone again. Whenever I am alone, I don't feel good. Don't know how to describe and don't know the reason. Maybe I am sad. Maybe scared. Or maybe tired. Maybe I need someone to rely on. I have been alone for so long. I need to get away and breath. So do Didi and Baby. We have been trying all our lives to live our own life. Trying. Always trying. And hoping. We hoped that we could end this, convinced ourselves that we could ultimately get Mama out, and even cheated ourselves that we could be normal. But NO. God wouldn't allow us to. I don't know whether it was father or God's fault. Whatever it was, we couldn't save Mama and our dream to normal life. When can I start breathing? I don't know how much longer I can hold. And how much longer my poor brothers can hold. I can only keep telling them that we will be better. I don't even know if it will be true. But I can only say hold on...hold on... This is the only hope we have got...

Semester Break Part 2

So we went to the lawyer on the second day to deal with Baby's study money. He is under 18 so his father has to support his studies under the law. We could still force him to provide for Baby's studies by law. However, he is turning 18 this year. Was it coincidence that Mama passed away when we are almost all adult and legally responsible for our own studies, we will never know.

We decided to insist to stay in his house no matter what. Where else could we go? He said we have our ways and we have many supports behind our back. Yes, we have friends, people to depend on, unlike him. Was this the reason why he was always jealous of Mama and even punished her for talking to friends? Was this why he disliked us to know people who were nice to us? My lawyer said he is different and weird. Haha. Pathetic soul.

So we stayed in his house for the rest of the week, walking to the same coffee shop near his house for every meal. We locked ourselves in our rooms when he was home. He ran 3M as usual. We guessed he would not want to repay back the parents and the teachers so he might continue the business till the end of the month or the end of the term. We got no connection with the outer world at his house. The internet line was down, reason unknown. I couldn't check if there was any school assignment. Didn't dare to use his house phone as well. Totally cut off. I guessed this was what he wanted, to have us isolated, like him.

Brought Baby to some JCs in Singapore to try for admission yesterday. We were late and most JCs had ended take-ins. Baby wanted to register much earlier but was forbidden to do so. Father was smart. If Baby couldn't get a school before 18 he would not need to pay for Baby's school fees for the rest of his life. Sigh. Now we can only wait.

Semester Break Part 1

Went back last Tuesday for semester break. Didi also went back on the same day. He wanted to drive his car to fetch us for dinner. He wouldn't let Didi drive his car and said the car was his. He only allowed Didi to drive Mama's car. Didi then told him he already got caught once and spent $50 to 'bribe' the police. He stood at the gate to block Didi from driving his car to buy meals which he failed to buy as a father. There was nothing Didi could do so he took the car's key and walked out of the house. He shouted at Didi and dared him not to come back again.
He then called Baby and me (we were not in the house at that moment) and wanted us to get Didi back so that he could discuss things with us. We did as he told us to. He only wanted Didi to return him his car key and discussed about the closing of 3M. If 3M was closed now he said he needed to repay the parents and the teachers so that he would use up all his money and wouldn't be able to afford for Baby's studies. He still insisted that I was the 'boss' so I should also be responsible for the parents and the teachers if 3M was to close down. I requested to prove that I was the 'boss' and he beat around the bush again, as usual. We ignored him as he played us 'it is your name, but it could be mine..hmm ya it could be yours or maybe it is mine..'. Finally we came to the conclusion that 3M was not mine. It was under his name. So I asked him what was the thing that he made me signed when I was 18 and he said that was to cheat me!!! So everything had been a lie!!! He lied so well that none of us suspected anything. When I was 18 and Mama was still around! Everything was planned!!! Oh my god! So all our lives we have been living in lies and lies and lies. Were there more? How should we carry on now that we know we were cheated even before we were born? What if we can't accept anymore lies?
Anyway, he then wanted us to move out during these two days. He said it was his house and he didn't want to let us stay in anymore. He would give us back our birth certs and everything and we were to move all our things out within two days. He wanted to sell the house and move elsewhere. He would tour around the world to enjoy himself after much sufferings caused by us.