悲伤的权利

妈妈去世的时候，我根本没有时间悲伤，就必须独自面对和解决那么那么多的事情和问题。直到现在，还是有那么多的东西没解决。家里的事，亲戚们的指责，等等。我什么时候才可以有机会像普通人一样地去面对这件事？我有这样的福气吗？到现在都不知道自己到底接受的没有。好羡慕那些有机会悲伤的人啊。你们真的好幸福。

Sigh

Sigh. Life is not simple. I always try. Always tell myself to go one step at a time. After this step, next step will be better and easier. But it is not. Every step in my life is hard. I always try very hard, thinking that I will be able to have what I want. But why are there always so many obstacles?? No matter how hard I try I can't seem to reach the end.

I don't know. What is life? What is it all about? What I want is just a simple place I can call home. After Mama passed away, 3 of us lost our home. I want to give myself and Didi and Baby a home. But it's so hard. Why is it so hard for us to get what other people are born with? Since young I've been trying. To be better. But no. Everything is still the same. No better life. Do we not deserved to have a better life? I WANT A HOME!!!

Sigh...

我懂了

Yes. 我终于懂了。When Mama was here, I lived for her. Now she is dead. Why do I live? Yes. I still live for her.

Few weeks ago I was really #*^&%^&*(@ and I went for a 3-round walk around NTU. I was walking at midnight in the middle of road where I thought I might be able to see Mama again when I heard a car coming near me. I was not scared at all. I even wished that I could go to the other world to live with Mama forever. But NO. Mama wouldn't want to see me there. She would be angry. She would want me to live on with my brothers. BUT I AM REALLY TIRED. Yes, Mama knows. She knows everything. But she still wants me to live on with my brothers. This would be her hope. Yeah. There is nothing else I can do for Mama besides this. I will do it. For Mama. No matter how hard life is I will be strong and live on with Didi and Baby. So that when i meet you again I can show you what I have achieved in my life. The precious life that you have given me.

Thanks Mama. I love you.

Sigh. I was wrong. I thought they (relatives) believed us after we found them the evidence. Why? We are the victims. I thought they should help us to accept it. But it is the other way round. People don't want to believe there is such a person like father in the world. No matter how many facts we put in front of them they won't accept. Yeah. They have a choice. They can deny the facts and choose not to believe so and carry on with their own sweet life. But we CAN'T!!! We have NO choice!!! Why does everyone seemed rather to believe that it was our fault for everything that happened to us? Yes, it is easier to blame the good people and tell them to change rather than to tell someone they deep down know will never become good person to be good to his own children. It is so much easier if the good people stop showing them the truth about the bad people, so that they can get on with their happy life and don't have to struggle with the world that there is such a person. But it is so unfair to us. They think we want to believe there is such a person in the world? What more a biological father!! They think we enjoy it? They think we like to have this kind of father? Yeah. They asked us to think in their shoes, not to tell them where they went wrong because they are one generation before us. How smart. But nobody will ever think in our shoes. They are not bothered to care how much it hurt us knowing that we have such a father. No. They only want their life to be perfect. They won't allow any impurity to spoil the wonderful world they have known for the past 50 years or so. They can't accept anything that makes them doubt what they have believed in for so long. Yeah. But this is THEIR imagination. We are not blessed with this. So go on to believe this and push away every fact that we put in front of them. But please for God's sake don't hurt us anymore. Don't tell us that we didn't treat that beast good enough that's why he hates us. Whatever you want to believe that beast is go ahead. We won't prove to you anymore. After all it doesn't do us any good. You still will not believe us. How nice it is to say that you don't want to believe that there is such a father and you choose to think positively. We wish we can do this too. Who likes to know a father like a beast? You can say all you want about what you want to believe. Yes. You have a choice but we DON'T. As adults instead of helping us to face our fate and escape from this beast eventually you choose to dismiss what we have faced for our entire life. Yet you said you are really concerned about us. You asked us to tell you if we suffer so that you know and you can help. Bullshit. How could you help when your heart is not even with us but instead choose to be with that beast? No sense at all. If that beast is so nice then help us get our study money from him!!! No you can't. You are outsiders. We just have to be nice to him and he will support us. All bullshit. If you are unwilling to face the truth and help with the reality, don't pretend. We only get the feeling that you are just hypocrites. So fake that you tell the whole world you only want to believe in the good sides of people but not willing to face this 'good person' you so love and tell this 'kind person' something so natural as to love his own children. Yeah. Go on and tell us not to waste money going aboard to study because we can't support ourselves since he is not giving us money. Oh you know. So you know the fact that he doesn't want to give us a single cent for our education. You know. Then why do you keep telling us that he is a nice person who will support his children when you know the truth? And you choose to believe him. How contradicting. How funny. We are the ones suffering under him including your own sister but instead of helping us to accept our fate you try to make us go back to the dangerous beast! Why? Because you don't want to have to burden yourself with our problems. You want everything to go back to before and want us to cover up everything he does to us so that you don't need to know all the bad things in the world and don't have to worry yourself about us. You want your peaceful life back even after your sister is dead because of him. Then just SAY IT. Don't have to try to pretend to be concerned about us when you don't want to. We feel that your concerns are getting faker. You don't want to face the REAL problem. Either you are scared, or you are selfish. Only pretend to be concerned for us at the surface. I am wondering whether father is right afterall. And since you want us to believe in this beast, perhaps we should. We should believe that you are trying to harm us, shall we? Perhaps it will be easier for us. Perhaps when he speaks ill of you and curse you we should not defend you and should do the same. And then we don't have to be scolded by you for not listening to him and making him angry at us. Yeah. Maybe we should not stand by you at these times anymore. And we don't have to be hurt when you tell us we didn't respect him enough and when you always try to speak up for him in front of us. We won't have to be defending you in front of him and be hurt when you scold us because of him. Can you see how contradicting all these sound?

I just called back to check on Baby as he is having an admission test with Jurong JC tomorrow. He cried as if there is no tomorrow. He tried to get the admission fee of $550 from father but got scolded badly instead. (Father came back a few days ago.) He didn't even want to give a single cent for his sons' education after he got so much money from my mum's death. And after he promised us at in front of his sister that he would support our studies. He said he could not afford to send us to school.

I don't know what to think and what to feel anymore. Suddenly I feel like smoking. I don't feel like facing all these again and again without an end. Does God really exist? I prayed my whole life. He never help me. Does anyone know where He is? Can you ask him to help us?

Argh

Everyday I try. I try so hard to live on, to improve things, to make things right. But I don't know. It's like never ending. So many things. All in a mess. Each day I try to give myself hope, but no hope is becoming reality. I don't know when. I don't know how. I just feel arghhhhhhh........

A few days ago he went back to Ipoh again. He is still not giving Baby and Didi money for their studies. Their schools are starting soon. Where could I get enough money for them? I don't know. I really don't know. Sigh......

妈妈，我好想你。你真的不会回来了吗？我真的再也见不到你了吗？妈妈，你在哪里？

Hold On

I am alone again. Whenever I am alone, I don't feel good. Don't know how to describe and don't know the reason. Maybe I am sad. Maybe scared. Or maybe tired. Maybe I need someone to rely on. I have been alone for so long. I need to get away and breath. So do Didi and Baby. We have been trying all our lives to live our own life. Trying. Always trying. And hoping. We hoped that we could end this, convinced ourselves that we could ultimately get Mama out, and even cheated ourselves that we could be normal. But NO. God wouldn't allow us to. I don't know whether it was father or God's fault. Whatever it was, we couldn't save Mama and our dream to normal life. When can I start breathing? I don't know how much longer I can hold. And how much longer my poor brothers can hold. I can only keep telling them that we will be better. I don't even know if it will be true. But I can only say hold on...hold on... This is the only hope we have got...

Semester Break Part 2

So we went to the lawyer on the second day to deal with Baby's study money. He is under 18 so his father has to support his studies under the law. We could still force him to provide for Baby's studies by law. However, he is turning 18 this year. Was it coincidence that Mama passed away when we are almost all adult and legally responsible for our own studies, we will never know.

We decided to insist to stay in his house no matter what. Where else could we go? He said we have our ways and we have many supports behind our back. Yes, we have friends, people to depend on, unlike him. Was this the reason why he was always jealous of Mama and even punished her for talking to friends? Was this why he disliked us to know people who were nice to us? My lawyer said he is different and weird. Haha. Pathetic soul.

So we stayed in his house for the rest of the week, walking to the same coffee shop near his house for every meal. We locked ourselves in our rooms when he was home. He ran 3M as usual. We guessed he would not want to repay back the parents and the teachers so he might continue the business till the end of the month or the end of the term. We got no connection with the outer world at his house. The internet line was down, reason unknown. I couldn't check if there was any school assignment. Didn't dare to use his house phone as well. Totally cut off. I guessed this was what he wanted, to have us isolated, like him.

Brought Baby to some JCs in Singapore to try for admission yesterday. We were late and most JCs had ended take-ins. Baby wanted to register much earlier but was forbidden to do so. Father was smart. If Baby couldn't get a school before 18 he would not need to pay for Baby's school fees for the rest of his life. Sigh. Now we can only wait.

Semester Break Part 1

Went back last Tuesday for semester break. Didi also went back on the same day. He wanted to drive his car to fetch us for dinner. He wouldn't let Didi drive his car and said the car was his. He only allowed Didi to drive Mama's car. Didi then told him he already got caught once and spent $50 to 'bribe' the police. He stood at the gate to block Didi from driving his car to buy meals which he failed to buy as a father. There was nothing Didi could do so he took the car's key and walked out of the house. He shouted at Didi and dared him not to come back again.
He then called Baby and me (we were not in the house at that moment) and wanted us to get Didi back so that he could discuss things with us. We did as he told us to. He only wanted Didi to return him his car key and discussed about the closing of 3M. If 3M was closed now he said he needed to repay the parents and the teachers so that he would use up all his money and wouldn't be able to afford for Baby's studies. He still insisted that I was the 'boss' so I should also be responsible for the parents and the teachers if 3M was to close down. I requested to prove that I was the 'boss' and he beat around the bush again, as usual. We ignored him as he played us 'it is your name, but it could be mine..hmm ya it could be yours or maybe it is mine..'. Finally we came to the conclusion that 3M was not mine. It was under his name. So I asked him what was the thing that he made me signed when I was 18 and he said that was to cheat me!!! So everything had been a lie!!! He lied so well that none of us suspected anything. When I was 18 and Mama was still around! Everything was planned!!! Oh my god! So all our lives we have been living in lies and lies and lies. Were there more? How should we carry on now that we know we were cheated even before we were born? What if we can't accept anymore lies?
Anyway, he then wanted us to move out during these two days. He said it was his house and he didn't want to let us stay in anymore. He would give us back our birth certs and everything and we were to move all our things out within two days. He wanted to sell the house and move elsewhere. He would tour around the world to enjoy himself after much sufferings caused by us.

Updates

Haven't been blogging for quite some time. He came back some time after he promised to come back. Didi collected some of the leftover kids' school fees when he didn't come back. When he came back finally he refused to buy meals for his sons who helped him look after the kindergartens while he was enjoying himself in Ipoh. He said that they have got the school fees money already. My god! He wouldn't feed his own children because he didn't keep his promise and his children took about 1% of what he got every month for managing the kindergartens on behalf of him.

Didi and Baby got caught by police when they drove Mama's car one day for dinner without knowing that the Roadtax has expired. No wonder. When Mama just passed away, father liked to drive Mama's car instead of his own everytime after Didi topup the oil tank. When it reached around November or December he stopped driving Mama's car at all even if we filled he oil tank. We wondered but didn't think much. It was clear now. Roadtax expired. And he let us drive Mama's car all the way back to Ipoh to look for him. What a caring father!

Didi and Baby accidentally saw that the registration form of 3M was not under my name! It was under his deceased father and his own name! He had been toying us for so long! Mama and the three of us thought all the while that it was under my name such that everytime there was problem with 3M and he blamed me we didn't oppose. So what was the document he made me sign in front of a lawyer when I was 18? Was it a bluff like every other thing? Mama passed away without even knowing that 3M was a bluff!!!

Baby told me just now that he was not back. 3M starts school tomorrow. Baby just found out that he already took the kids' school fees for February. Didi SMSed him to ask whether he was coming back and he said that there was no bus ticket. So how are we going to pay for teachers' salaries and everything else?

And how did he suddenly got his bus ticket for the eve of CNY after telling us that we would drive back on the first day of CNY? He could get a ticket so easily on the eve and he had problem getting one now?

Chinese New Year Part 2

Before we left we told them that we would become good people and won't be like them.
At first they called and Didi answered the first two calls., refusing to go back and asking xiaogu to help in our financial problems. After a while he SMSed to Didi asking us to go back to settle things once and for all. So after eating we went back.

He already got his mother and sister into beds. He got us into the living room although we wanted to talk in the yard. It was empty. They were only four of us. I knew it was his trap straightaway. He started by saying that we should go to bath and have a good sleep so as to calm ourselves down to be able to facilitate our discussion the next morning. We refused. He started showing his much more aggresive self now that no one else was around. He even stated that it was our aunts' idea to ask for those documents directly. 'Anything besides the four of us may harm us'. He almost wanted to scold us about my blog when he told us this was secret. We reacted by saying we were not afraid of exposing anything and distracted him for awhile. Lucky or unlucky, xiaogu finally came out of her room and I lured her into sitting down saying that father told us she might harm us. She chose to sit with him.

Everything was as before. He seemed to have sorted things out himself and was more confident of what he wanted. I knew by the satisfied look on his face that we would not get anything from him. Everything that we tried to discuss with him was as before. Nothing settled. His sister was more confident as well. They seemed to have communicated their thoughts already.

Finally after wasting much time, we decided that there was no point going on like this and we should leave. He didn't let us and threatened to report loss to the police if we drove away with Mama's car which according to him was his. He asked us to take our things, walk away and leave the car. He made it seemed like if we 'sincerely' asked him to continue working in 3M temporarily he would let us go. So we fell into his trap and said 'dad we really hope you can come back to 3M and help' one by one to him. He then asked us to go bath and sleep. Walao!! And we went to the car, telling xiaogu that we really couldn't owe them another 'favour' anymore. He came beside Didi's window and said that he would not go back to 3M as he had just promised before we drove away. Awhile later, he SMSed Didi saying that he would go back to 3M, but everything resumed as before.

Chinese New Year Part 1

Today I didn't go to my morning classes again. Couldn't get rid of what had happened during the third day of Chinese New Year.

We drove all the way to Ipoh to see father. We agreed to have reunion dinner at home on the eve of CNY before going to Ipoh on the first day of CNY. However, when Didi and I rushed back home on the eve, he left a note about 20 pages long and went back alone in the morning even before Baby woke up. He didn't tell us anything about it at all. How he suddenly got his bus ticket which was usually out-of-stock during CNY, we had no idea. We reached home feeling disappointed and unbelievable. It was him who asked us if we wanted to go back with him. We agreed that Didi would drive the four of us to Ipoh and the three of us would come home on Sunday ( my school starts on Monday ) while he would stay longer in Ipoh. But he failed his promise, leaving us no food at home and only instant noodles for the eve of CNY. Didi called him and asked why he didn't keep his promise but he hanged up the phone.

So Didi drove us to Ipoh to see him and his family later. He wrote in his note that he decided to leave 3M kindergarten to my care since I am the 'boss'. As soon as I reached 18, he told me that the business was registered under his name so it was illegal, thus he needed to transfer the ownership to me before anyone found out. I trusted him that he was borrowing my name for this family business. Although time and again when something went wrong with this business he pushed the blame on me as the 'boss', I didn't blame him. However, he suddenly left everything to me without telling me anything and giving me any documents, now. We had to discuss matters with him. I needed the appropriate documents to manage 'my business'.

When we reached xiaogu's house at about 4pm on Saturday, we asked him why he left so irresponsibly. He defended that he called Didi and Didi said that he would go back first on the eve while the three of us would join him on the first day of CNY. Totally different stories. We were stunned, as usual. We then tried to talk to him about the business. My god! He didn't want to give me the documents but want me to manage the business! They went around the bush about this but in the end he refused to give and his sister supported him that I should continue the business trusting that the business is mine. They made it seem like I wanted the documents because I didn't believe the business is mine. Totally wrong. I needed the documents to run this business. This had nothing to do with whether I trusted him or not. They were good in shifting the focus of things like this so that people would fall into their trap and I would finally lost focus on asking for those documents. Even when I we asked whether we could use the money that 'my business' earns and xiaogu thought it fine, he refused and xiaogu turned to support him.

He kept accusing me of writing that he didn't do any work in 3M but only collect money. I didn't do anything of this sort and asked him to prove it. Actually we suspected that he read my blog. But in any case he didn't dare to show me what I wrote that offended him in front of his sister. He said this was a private matter which he would discuss later with me and I was stunned. What I thought of at that instant was he wanted to silence me if he ever got to talk to me about this private matter. Didi and Baby later agreed with my instinct. But something wasn't right. He kept telling everyone that we blamed him for Mama's death even though we didn't. Didn't even dare to. If he didn't do it like that in 'my father's success story' of my blog or if he could find reasons to support himself he should be furious at us. But he didn't even dare to scold me for writing this. The only possible reason for his unusual behaviour was that I was right in my blog. Thus, when he asked xiaogu to leave so that we can discuss this private matter, I defended saying that I didn't do anything and I was not scared. Somehow she sat back down after a moment. Besides this, he kept saying that we wanted those documents not for ourselves but someone made us to. But he didn't dare to say who. We told xiaogu that he had been saying this for very long but there was nothing of this sort. She asked me what Mama told us about him and I replied that she only told us that father loved us.

Everything was not successful. He already prepared his answers. Whether he'd give Didi and Baby money for their studies depends on our attitude. We have to pay for utility bills at home ourselves. If he comes back and continues the business, he wants everything to be like before, meaning that he wants to control all the money and we have no freedom of using 'my business' money. Even when we told his family how he beat Mama and us anyhow using cane, chairs etc, they defended him. His mother even suddenly scolded Didi 'eat shit' in Hokkien when we were crying for Mama and our fate. We couldn't get anything done. Seeing that there was no point staying there, we left.

Really exhausted. But don't dare to sleep. Scared I'll think of what happened yesterday like last night. Headache for more than 12 hours.

But I am too tired today to type out everything. Only can hope that there is still tomorrow for the three of us.

13-17

I saw how other parents were like, having the chance now to be more exposed to the world by living on my own. I couldn't accept that my father was 'bad'. I could only keep coming up with excuses after excuses to 'prove' to myself that he is like all other fathers I've seen. Deep down, I was envious of my friends. They have such loving and protective fathers. I only knew father to be a bad-tempered and scary man whom I have to deal with very carefully so that I don't displease him and be punished. I didn't know that I was making excuses for him as well as myself then. I wanted to think and feel that I had a normal father so much that I even told my friends how 'nice' he was to me so that I could really convince myself about him. Time and again he failed me. Yet I was unwilling to believe that he was what I saw with my own eyes. I could tell myself that all fathers did all the bad things he did to Mama and us to their children too. It was just that they never show these behaviours in front of people, that's why I didn't see them often. Everyone was bad and not true. Perhaps what he imparted in us since young worked.

I always wanted to go home every weekend. I didn't really like the feeling of being at home but I didn't know why I couldn't help but wanted to go home so much every week. I told myself that it was 'homesickness'. Everyone away from home misses home. Although I really felt that I didn't understand why people missed their homes when homes were such miserable place, I accepted this reasoning and thought that perhaps it was my feelings about home that was wrong. Everyone had the same home and everyone loved home. It was my problem that I even suspected other people's love for home. I blamed myself for not loving my home as much as other people did, thinking that I had a normal home.

Now I know better. I wanted to go home to ensure that Mama Didi and Baby were alive at home. I couldn't bear not going home because I couldn't bear not knowing and seeing that they were alive. I cheated myself. I was too naive. I made all my friends felt that I had such warm home and even jeolous of me. I really succeeded in convincing everyone including me that I had a normal lovely home. Perhaps this was the reason why, after finding out the truths about my family when I was older, I had such hard time accepting them.

My father's success story

I am going to 33. It's time to get a girl and carry out my plan. 21 years from now, I'll be able to get all that I want.
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God is good to me. Found my target: stupid girl; father died when young; 9 brainless siblings; easy to cheat; loved by many boys but only love me; thinks that I love her. Perfect. Use her for 21 years from now. Ok, get to work.
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Omg, so fast. Pregnant. Girl. Perfect. Now she is begging me to marry her. Love me so much. Scared her child no father. She is so fun to play with.
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Hahaha. Stupid siblings as well. Won't let us divorce. Good. I'll haunt her for the rest of the 21 years that she has with the 'fact' that she cheated me to sign marriage treaty with her. Hahaha. Life is fun. Now let's hope for another boy. Can torture the girl with her own brother!
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Boy is no problem. Make her busier than me. Meanwhile enjoy scolding her: 'only know how to give birth to girl because you like people to call you 'miss' and are afraid to get fat'. She will be so scared of pregnancy but I'll make her pregnant again and scared for another 9 months! Hahaha. Everyday she cries. Woohoo!
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Pregnant means no sex. Boring. Luckily I have this prostitute friend. Slowly let her find out about this prostitute and be sad. Then I'll make fun of it and say I want to divorce with her. She will quieten and let me go where I want to but cry silently. Hahaha. That's why I insisted on finding a girl without a father. Firstly nobody will forbid her to be with me. Secondly she won't dare to divorce and make her children fatherless. And I got her pregnant twice!
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Tested her. Scolded and beaten her so badly to make sure she felt like leaving. She left and came back. For her children. Once she didn't dare to come back and slept in the longkang outside the house. Her house. Perfect. I can really live my life up for the rest of her life. Make her suffer. Make her children suffer. Make her mother and siblings suffer. And I will get what I want in the end. All are well.

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Everyday is full of joy. Scold whatever I want. Beat whoever I like. Play however I feel like. They are at my mercy. I feel like a king. Even if I don't achieve my aims in the end this is not bad a reward for my hard work as well. Hahaha!

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Another boy born. Now I got 3 children. I will take such good care of them in front of people and torture them when no one is around. They will be exactly like what I want them to be. Cry when people leave. Irritating children. But I still never give them up. Hahaha. Didn't know that life can be so enjoyable.

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Have been peeping her sister when she baths for about a month now and got caught by her today. Saw me watching her from above when she raised her head. She was so scared. She told my wife and her mother but they shut her up saying that it was to protect my wife from further quarrels with me, or even divorce. I had a real laugh.

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Life has been what I wanted for these 21 years. My daughter is 21. It's time. I just need to find one day when nobody knows...She won't see her children before she dies. Her children won't get to see her before she leaves. No one shall know the truth. I will get what I want.

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There she is. In the coffin. It has ended. Life is going to begin for me. But first I have to finish what I had started 21 years ago. It is easy enough. Acting. No big deal. They all believe me. My daughter is suspicious. I know. But what can she do to me when I act so well in front of her grandma and her aunties and uncles? All stupid people.

By the time they find out what I was up to and that my daughter was right, it would be too late. I would have gotten everything.

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And I succeeded! 21 years of effort did not go into waste. I got her pension money, her insurance money, her EPF money, all her income and savings, basically her everything. Plus what I have saved in the past years with her help. Now I am far more than a millionnare. Better than I expected. They can't do anything now. My poor children look like they want to get their mother's money back, but they never stop to think about how their mother died in the 'accident'. Hahaha. But it's all too late. I've got everything I planned for.

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The truths shall be lost forever. I shall start my life afresh from now on.

9-12

I was forced to do many housework at home. If I didn't do them, I would be beaten. I hated to be a girl because father said girls must do housework. When I did not sit properly he would beat me too, even though I learnt it from him. He said that girls have to sit properly.

I was always punished as the eldest child. I always hated that I had to be so 'old'. When I went into primary 4, I was extremely upset. I couldn't accept that I had reached 10 years of age, which I thought was 'very old'. I took a very long time before I realised that time wouldn't go back and it wasn't wrong to be 10. No word can express my feelings completely.

Also, I was not even allowed to wear shorts out of the house. I had to wear long pants or skirt when going out. When I was in primary 5, we had to go to school for housecleaning one day and we were required to wear T-shirt and shorts. He wouldn't let me follow the rules and beat me into wearing a long pants. I had no choice. He said that everybody would be wearing long pants and I would be the only one wearing shorts if I wore shorts. So I went to school, confused. Then I that saw everyone else was wearing shorts and felt cheated. I got laughed at by my classmates but I couldn't do anything. I did't understand...

I never had the chance to go to friend's house until 12. He didn't let me. When I wanted to go for school trip for graduating students, he was reluctant to let me go. But he had no choice at first so he gave in. During a particular meal time he beat me in public because I ate too slow. He said that with this speed I would lose to other students during the trip. I wanted to go so much that I told myself I would endure everything it takes to get the money to go. However, I was chosen by my school to go for an entry test to a Singapore secondary school during the same period of time. I didn't want to ask him but my teacher insisted. Then I knew I would regret for not going for graduating trip forever. I was naive to believe him that he would give the refunded money to me entirely and I was a little consoled. In the end he wanted the money back and I had to give him back. After a few years that I realised I was cheated. He even cheated his own daughter for three hundred ringgit.

妈妈，我好想你。现在我唯一可以安慰自己的就是死的人你而不是我们三个孩子，要不然... 真不忍心看到你那痛彻心扉的样子，更不忍心看到你苦上加痛却只能默默的努力的活着。

妈妈

妈妈好可怜，苦了三十多年，以为找到了一个好的归属，没想到却是另一个无底噩梦的开始。无助的撑了二十年，把孩子带大，一起寻找一条出路。但是，寻寻觅觅，还在水深火热之时，就毫无理由的死了，被摩哆车撞后不治身亡。

我能怎么办呢？什么都不能做。什么都不能为妈妈做！就这样走了，什么都没有说，什么都没有交代，忽然间就没有了！连死前最后一眼都没来得及看！

Day by Day

Everyday is meaningless. Why do I live? It feels like I am waiting for death to come upon me. So many things unsettled. Whether they can ever be settled is another thing. If I can't settle them, shall I just let them go and live with guilt for the rest of my life? I can't let go so easily like what people advise me to. Do it for your own life, they say. With these things hanging in my throat, how can I possibly live a normal life? People talk, but nobody understands.

9~12

I was happy at school. Had some good memories at school.

However, I was never happy at home. They were two different worlds completely. School and home. Almost everyday we were punished at home. We spent our childhood kneeling in front of Shen Tai and being beaten almost all the time we were at home. I can't quite remember what we did wrong, or whether we were even wrong at all. Everyday I tried to do everything in the way they want us to do, but father would always come out with new reasons to punish us.

We were taught that no one in the world is good. We should not trust anyone other than father. Even Wai Po and Mama were also bad persons who tried to harm us. I thought what father said was true and did not open my heart to anyone until almost 20.

Father did not join in any occasion Mama's relatives held. Weddings, New Years, Holidays, he would rather stay at home alone than to accompany his children to enjoy the fun hours of life.
However, we always went together with him to visit his mother and his siblings. When Wai Po and Xiao Yi stayed at with us, he scolded Mama because they interferred with our family life. But we never knew what was family life even without any intruder.

When we were younger, we loved people coming to our house because it meant less beating and kneeling. When people were leaving, we might cry. We knew what was coming after people left. But nobody at that time understood. They only commented that we liked to cry.

Father kept telling us how nice he was to us. Fetching us from school, paying bills, sweeping floors, he always claimed that he had been doing the same for a number of years equal to my age. But these were the only things he did. He often told us to be grateful of him and to treat him very nicely. He forced us to say 'thank you' everytime he fetched us from school.

We thought all fathers were like this. We recognised all these as normal lives until we saw much more of the world at a later age.

Truths

Today Xiao Yi brought Baby and me to Kuo Kuang to check Mama's insurance compensation. Haha, so it is confirmed now that $15000 has been given to father a few months ago. I did not know that EPF and pension are different. Xiao Yi asked Kuo Kuang whether Mama paid her income tax because father told MeiHua that Mama didn't pay so her pension was not given to us. Kuo Kuang said that all Mama's income tax is cleared so there should be no problem in withdrawing Mama's pension.

After that, we went to EPF building again. The person said father's signature is quite necessary in order to withdraw ( the rest of ) Mama's EPF money.

...

Don't know how to write today. A lot of feelings. Complicated.

Father wrote letter again. He refused to give Didi and Baby money for studies. He said we are poor and have to save money now. He just hired a new headmistress for the kindergarten to do what Mama did before, so that he can just relax and collect money as before.

Found out Mama's EPF was missing beneficiary and half the amount that should be there on Wed 12/19/2007:
"I went to check my mum's EPF beneficiary today and found that there is no beneficiary. However, we are very sure that my mum put my aunt and my grandma's name. Also, a few weeks after she passed away my father ask my grandma to 'sign'(thumb print) sth saying that it is to settle the EPF money according to my grandma's wish (she would take a small amt n give the rest to the 3 of us )
Today I found out that the money is not the amt that should be there (according to what we know and what the lawyer stated to me), only about half of what we expected remains and there is no beneficiary. The officer said it could either be that my mum did not put a beneficiary( which is totally impossible) or that it has been canceled.
I really don't know what I should do or what to think of my father. I feel helpless, like there is no way I can settle these many things. If I don't care, it is like running away. If I care, I feel very hurt.
I don't know how to feel anymore. I feel like giving up. Yet, I know I can't. "
It is almost impossible to find out if anyone has taken out anything, unless by court order.

According to law, insurance company should compensate us for Mama's death. The motorist company should also compensate us. Today MeiHua asked him. He told her it is not confirmed whose fault it was in the accident. More than four months have passed. Police's result of investigation should be out by now. Besides, he told her that he has taken out $120,000 for Didi's study. He said Didi wants money in his bank before going to the States, but he would only give Didi the money after Didi physically reaches there.

妈妈，你过得好吗？你一定要过得很好。我也会努力过好的，你放心。
妈妈，我好想你。

Do men really love?

I went to Baby's piano teacher's party last night. After we came back, I kept thinking of what I saw even as I slept.

I don't understand why fathers love their children. I always feel that something is not right when I see fathers loving their children. It is hard to put in words. Although I know that fathers love their children because they are their own children, this fact can't seem to make sense to me. I know the logic, but I am unable to feel it no matter how hard I try by looking at other families.

Another thing is, I don't understand how men and women can love each other so heartily and sincerely. Yes, I always see these in movies and even real life, but something in me can't make sense of all these. The feeling is complicated. I am not sure if anyone else at all would feel what I feel.

I am 21, turning 22 this year. Yet I am unable to understand such natural and simple things!! I have really tried and kept telling myself the logic. But I still feel weird when I see such things happening around me. I can't imagine why fathers love their children since it is so easy for them to have children. Like my father. A sperm will do. I can't imagine why men would love their wives. Why?

Maybe I will never understand the love from men forever. Perhaps it is the shadow of my past and present, the shadow father cast on me so deep that it will haunt me forever. It may never be erased no matter how much love from men I witness or even feel. It is already a part of me. I grew up with it.

5~8

My parents never slept together as far as I remember. During this period, Mama and Baby slept in one room, Didi and me and him in another. I guessed this was segregation of duties. Mama took care of the youngest and hardest child, while he slept with the two elder ones.

At this time, we were not allowed to watch TV. We had to sleep by 8pm. When Didi and I lie on the bed, father would be watching TV outside the room. When Didi couldn't sleep, he got me to play with him in the room. If we were heard, father would come and beat me. If I told him that Didi played as well, he would say that I was the eldest so it was my fault. When I couldn't sleep and tried to play with Didi, it was often unsuccessful. When I tried to play with him, I didn't dare to make any sound. I had to test his reaction slowly, either by whispering to him or touching him gently. If I realised he didn't want to play, I had to just shut myself. If I was eager to play and kept trying to raise his interest, at some point he would shout and father would come in and beat me. Everything WAS my fault.

Besides this, I often felt the need to put Didi in good mood so that he wouldn't fight with me and got me beaten by father. I felt that I had to make him like me, so father would not beat me. However, it was hard. He took it for granted when I gave way to him whatever he liked. When I accidentally did something that displeased him or did not do what he wanted, I knew my body would hurt again. Everything WAS my fault. How could I not hate boys?

5~8

Mama was always busy. Work, tuition, housework.

Father was always relax. Newspaper, TV, sleep.

We did not have childhood. No toys, no tidbits, no laughters.

They always quarreled. Or rather, father always scolded Mama. Sometimes Mama had to kneel down in front of him to be scold or beaten, for forgiveness. He even scolded Wai Po and Xiao Yi. He kept telling us that Wai Po was bad and that she always added something into our food to harm us, Gong Tao. He also told us that Mama was not a good mother, using a very fatherly tone. Basically, he embedded in us his idea that no one in the world can be trusted except for him. I did not think he will harm us since he is father. So, somehow, I believed what he said and was wary of everyone.

I witnessed Mama beaten by him using cane. Not only once. When he got angry, he would beat Mama anywhere, anytime, anyhow. I still never knew the reasons he got angry. I thought Mama was beaten because she did something wrong. I thought it was normal for a husband to beat his wife when she was wrong. I thought Mama should get punishment if she really did wrong. I was young and pure. From the little knowlegde I had of the world, I did not think much.

There was one incident I remember vividly. He was beating Mama in her bedroom. Mama was crying. "Please don't beat me. I won't do it again". The cane flew all over her weak body. I forgot how my youngest brother, Baby, got into that corner of the room. He was beside Mama, patting her back, perhaps telling father not to beat her. The other two of us were by the door, not daring to get into the room. The other brother with me, Didi, kept asking my youngest brother to come out of the room, and I didn't know what to do but to follow his call for Baby. However, Baby did not come out.
After some time, he stopped beating and scolding Mama. I forgot where Didi and I went but Baby was loyally accompanying and consoling Mama. So cute. He was as tall as Mama sitting on the floor. When Mama was better, she made us each a cup of Milo, and said that this was the last cup she was going to make for us. She was leaving the house and leaving us. In fact, she did this a few times, in my memory, wanting to get away from him. However, sometimes she didn't leave, sometimes she left and came back.
There was once I woke up in the morning and couldn't find Mama. Her car was still around and I asked father where she was because she didn't normally leave the house without the car. He told me Mama went somewhere she quite often went. I was a little suspicous but didn't care much. After quite long Mama came back and everything seemed well again.
It was only when I grew up I realised that Mama was trying to leave him. Due to the love for us, she was never successful, coming back everytime, stupidly.

0~4

I learnt the inequality between boys and girls as well as the cruelty of being the oldest in a family since I was born. Vaguely remember how I hated to be the eldest girl under the rule of my father and his spoiled son before I was even four. I was treated unfairly, often scolded or beaten for crimes I did not commit just because I was 'old' and I was a girl. I was always told that I was old enough, so I should give way to my little brother who was two years younger than me. Give way in everything. And because I was a girl, I had to endure men's ruthless. I hated to be the eldest very much. What more a girl.

When I was four, Mama was pregnant. I prayed every moment I remember that it was a girl. Please don't give me another boy. I was terrified of the idea of having another younger brother. How would my life be. I did not think I was strong enough to fight three...... On the way to the hospital where Mama had just given birth to another younger sibling one October morning, I heard that it is a boy, shocked. I didn't totally believe my fate. However, after some struggling moment within myself, I had to console myself. I told myself that there is nothing wrong with a boy. Unconscieously I knew what was wrong was only my father's way of differentiating boys and girls. So I told myself that a boy is a boy. I can't change that. Since he is new to the world, I can help myself by treating him nicely and bringing him up the right way. After he grows up he will be good to me and I need not suffer under him.

It was really a boy when we reach the hospital. I was sad. But with no choice I embraced myself and tried to 'love' my brother. I told Mama to let me carry him for a while. I thought I was 'old' enough to carry a baby. Mama wouldn't let me and I didn't understand why. Beside Mama's bed there was a little girl whom I thought was not 'old' like me. Judging from what I remember of her size, I think she should be about six or seven at that time.

Days after, I treated my youngest brother as best as I could, hoping that he would not join the male's team against me in future. Now, he is the best man in the family.

Prelogue

I am going to dedicate this blog to my very own life story. I was bored yesterday and I came up with this idea of sharing my story with all who love me by using blog. I have been living in my own circle for quite some time, and it is about time to walk out. Perhaps this little move will bring me out from where I have been keeping myself all these years.

妈妈，我好想你